If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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