I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
