i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
