drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
