I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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