mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
