You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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