I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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