This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
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Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
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Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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