Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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