he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
