I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
