miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Found the puke drawer
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
