I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
