im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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