wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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