You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
