I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
