i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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