drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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