Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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