I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
