While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
