let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
