There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
