Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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