Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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