My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
