For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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