i just snorted my name. best moment ever
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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