Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
