OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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