i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
