Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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