So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Someone shit on the floor
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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