My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
