dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
