Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
