Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
