i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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