i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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