i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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