I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
