Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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