I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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