i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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