How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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