So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
