I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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