I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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