I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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