he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
