And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
