I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
