At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
