What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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