I want to walk on stilts...naked
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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