trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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