She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
There's even glitter on my cock...
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