so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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