Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
