Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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